What exactly does the term “break the internet” mean? Web-surfers understand the definition as “causing a commotion of such great size and scale that the World Wide Web could shut down as a result of its enormity,” and yet the phrase only conjures one image to mind — that of Kim Kardashian on her notorious Paper Magazine cover, popping champagne directly onto a glass balanced atop her buttocks. So when Disney announced yesterday that their sequel to video game hodgepodge Wreck-It Ralph would bear the subtitle Ralph Breaks the Internet, we may interpret it one of two ways. Either Ralph’s going to go on an epic quest through the online wilds, or the 8-bit hero is about to blow our minds with the roundest ’donk in the history of animated cinema.

Judging from a press release distributed by Disney’s PR team, it looks like it’s gonna be that first one. The news blast proudly announced that original cast members John C. Reilly (as the destructive galoot that lends the film its title), Jack McBrayer (as his nemesis, Fix-It Felix), Sarah Silverman (as cutesy candy queen and Kanye West inspiration Vanellope Von Schweetz), and Jane Lynch (as Samus Aran-esque space warrior Sergeant Calhoun) would all reunite for a new adventure bringing the whole gang through Al Gore’s famous series of tubes. Regrettably, the release didn’t offer much more than that in the way of plot details. Un-regrettably, that gives us implicit permission to let our imaginations run wild!

Let’s address the elephant in the room: as I understand it, the internet is approximately 65 percent pornography, so it’d be fundamentally dishonest for Ralph and his pals to not even encounter some of the seedier online back alleys during their travels. They’d have to studiously avoid it! While the obvious counterargument may be that the children this movie is directly marketed to aren’t prepared for graphic content, is the very essence of the internet not being shown things you wish you had never seen, and can never un-see? What I’m trying to say is that any film set inside the interwebs would necessarily have to be an upsetting, sanity-eroding experience for all involved. Knowing Disney though, they’ll probably just make Ralph hang out with the Angry Birds or adopt a Neko Atsume cat or something. That’s Hollywood for you.

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