Say it Ain’t So, Legislating How Guys Go to the Bathroom

There is a type of discrimination that has not improved over the past 50+ years.  In fact, I'm sad to say this form of discrimination is widely accepted across the world and certainly so right here in the Land of the Free.

I'm referring to Bathroom Discrimination.  

Ask any guy who shares his life with a woman and he'll tell you the two most common bathroom phrases are something along the lines of the following:

• "Hey! Put the toilet seat down next time!  I almost fell in."
• "My gosh! Don't you know how to aim?! Go get the 409."

Addressing the first point, it would seem just as easy for a woman to share the responsibilities with a man on placing the toilet seat in the up or down position.  If I knew that I faced the possibility of a derriere baptism if the toilet seat were up, I think I would remember to check every time.

But, through the years, we guys have realized that this is a battle not worth fighting.  It is far better to keep the peace than to point out the unfairness of this situation.  In fact, we have accepted this for so long, I believe guys now have a special 'put the lid down' mitochondria woven into our DNA.  We no longer have to teach our male offspring, it just comes natural now.  (If you're a microbiologist, please don't go double-helix on me, I'm sure the mitochondria DNA line made no sense...but it sure felt good to type)

To the second point, I am willing to admit that sometimes guys, myself included, can get a little misguided with our aim.  Many times, that's not the result of carelessness.  We go through the procedure of analyzing the proper elevation, velocity, and other firing data as well as the proper coordinates of the water below before going full stream ahead. However, there are those times, for whatever reasons (which we won't go into), that the end result is a trajectory that deviates from the intended course.

Also keep in mind that whenever anything is thrown into water from a distance, there will be splashing.  It happens, it's nature, and yes, I'll go get the 409.

But now, I'm hearing reports coming from Germany where in some buildings it is mandatory to sit while going to the bathroom.  Guy or girl, number one or number two, in fact, some toilets have red traffic-style signs forbidding the standing position.  According to a report, a case recently went to German court in which a man was sued for his bad aim which caused over $2,000 in damages to a marble bathroom floor.  Luckily, the judge ruled in favor of a man's right to stand up while relieving himself.

However, can more court cases be on the horizon?  Will more public businesses make it mandatory for everyone to sit down on the throne?  Somewhere and sometime down the road, will our wonderful government try to legislate this?

If they do, all I can say is you're in for a fight.  (pun intended)

In the meantime, I'm off to the store.  We're out of 409.